Words from the inner doggess: why 50 Shades of Grey really sucks

I started to read 50 Shades of Grey and I can't tell you how over it I am - and I'm not even up to the inner workings of the red room of pain. Like, who gives a toss?Red, blue, green, black, buttercup yellow. Grey with smoldering gray eyes. It's all mediocre drivel.

I know what you're thinking - I'm jealous because this woman who can barely write has managed to get her three books onto the international bestseller list and is being feted by the media worldwide. My head spins. 

OK, maybe I am a teensy bit envious but that's not the point. My fingers are numb from the cold and they wouldn't be if I was rich (from book royalties) and didn't have to turn the heater off in the middle of the day to save money. I will die in the 'attic of the wannabe author' who can't find the time to write because she has to work to support her ungrateful family (to tell the truth, it's to support her desire for the finer things in life, like a trip to Heron Island in October). But that's not the friggin' point.

It frustrates me that this trite story that loosely follows Stephenie  Meyer's Twilight, down to the hapless heroine's clumsiness, is so hugely successful. 

I'm highlighting 'she/he murmured' (two to four per page, for God's sake) and the numerous references to the heroine's 'inner goddess', which does a happy hula dance every time the hero sucks voraciously on her elongated, highly erect, standing-to-attention nipples and whatever else he can get his tongue around/up/into. 

The inner goddess is ruined for me solely because of this book. 

I go to the dog, who is wisdom herself. 

Me: "Why do I hate this book so much, yet I continue to read it?"

Dog: "You're just jealous."

Me: "That's not quite true... OK, maybe... a little bit. I can't stand the lack of eloquence, the repetition, the stupid heroine and her inane references to her sparkly inner goddess. I'm over it."

Dog: "Rise above it to embrace your inner doggess. Howl at the moon. Gnaw on a bone, suck on your own bits. Your time will come."

Take from that what you will. I took the 'your time will come' part because unless you're double jointed or incredibly dextrous (or you happen to be a dog) it takes a big effort to suck your bits. 

Speak soon. 

PS: When I finish this bloody book, I will note the number of annoying she murmured/he murmured attributions. I mean, people don't murmur in real life. What the frig is wrong with 'she said/he said'?
  

PPS: Spanner, who has read 2.5 of the books but can't quite finish the third, pointed out that the hero Christian Grey constantly cocks his head to one side, rubs his thumb along Ana's cheek or jawline and presses his chiselled lips into a hard line.

PPPS: And I forgot to mention the peeking. (see comments)