Everyone's writing a novel, or thinking about it

"Everyone's writing a novel." (Barney talking to Fist, The Book Group)

I was out having a coffee with my partner Spanner this morning when I bumped into an old acquaintance. She joined us and we went through the motions.

"What have you been up to?"

"Same old same old. What about you?"

"Nothing much. You know, just stuff."

Mmm. What next? I decide to tell her I'm writing a ROMANCE novel.

"Oh, really?" She smiles, one eyebrow raised quizzically (I wish I could do that). "What's it about?"

"Well, it sort of revolves around the hero and heroine and how they get together in the end." I shuffle uncomfortably in my chair.

But then I am saved when she informs me that her good friend has just finished writing an 80,000-word novel.

"My friend says publishers won't take anyone seriously until they've written 80,000 words. How long is your book?"

"It's a romance novel, so it's 50,000 words. But I haven't quite finished."

She shifts the focus of the conversation with a new revelation. "I'm writing a book."

"Wow," I say, impressed. "What's it about?"

"I can't tell you. I haven't really started it yet. I just need to find the time."

"Oh, OK. Fair enough."

I look across the table at Spanner, the taciturn handyman who only reads books about boats and prefers films with subtitles. And I wonder if he is the only person left on the planet who has no desire to write a novel.

Clever man.

It's so hard to write a bleeding romance novel - and a bouquet for The Book Group

In the final scene of the brilliant 12-part TV series, The Book Group, the main character Clare sits down at her computer to try to write her novel.

She is transported into the role of the heroine on horseback in the sand dunes in an Arabian desert, where she is joined by her hero, a sheik upon his steed.

Their dialogue, mostly in Arabic with subtitles, goes:

Hero: Where are you going?

Heroine: Who knows, hombre. Que sera sera.

Hero: What do I say here?

Heroine: I'm not sure. I think it should be something kind of romantic, leaving it open for us to get together later on.

Hero: Right.

Heroine: I'll think of something later.

Hero: Revision.

Heroine: Right.

Hero: Anything else?

Heroine: Peace.

Hero: Peace. God willing.

As someone who has been poised to write a novel for the past 25 years, I feel for Clare. I understand her pain. I know the blank page and the frustration when there is no inspiration (I once heard a playwrite/novelist/artist - fill the blank - say he felt sorry for all those intelligent people who wanted to work in the arts but just didn't have 'IT'. What he meant was not everyone has a book in them. Sometimes I think that's me).

However, thanks to my new romance writing bootcamp friends, over the past few months I have moved closer to my goal. I have written 37,000 words of my first romance novel and I can see a flickering light at the end of the tunnel.

DON'T BLOW IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I've wasted half the morning - dropping daughter to work, shopping, getting petrol, unpacking shopping, stuffing face and writing this stupid time-wasting blog, I might have a moment to write... after I take the dog for a walk, oh, and do some housework.

A'Salaam Insha'lah.