I still don't know if that's hitting the mark with deep point of view, but hey, I wrote the 'After' version in 30 seconds.
Today the gorgeous Nikki Logan, author of Lights, Camera... Kiss the Boss, shared her insights into Deep POV and FAS (feel, act, speak) with me.
We workshopped one sentence from my ms in order to give the reader less tell and more show. The goal was to get into the character's head and let him tell the story.
Take a look at the two versions below. Unfortunately, the After version isn't exactly right because I lost Nikki's changes before I could copy them. Doh. But this is how I remember it:
Before: Chase Lavelle observed the slender frame of the young woman with the wild mane of auburn hair recede into the glare, her long legs a blur in the shimmering heat haze rising from the marina. He surprised himself when a pang of regret clipped at his conscience. He wished she'd stayed a moment longer. He wasn't used to being challenged, especially by a leggy Amazon wearing denim shorts so brief they could send a man's blood pressure through the roof.
After: Chase Lavelle's gut sank as the slender frame of the young woman with the wild mane of hair receded into the glare, her long legs a blur in the shimmering heat haze from the tar on the marina. He whistled to himself and shook his head. Clever and beautiful. An Amazon wearing denim shorts so brief they could send a man's blood pressure sky high. He'd never been challenged like this before. An unfamiliar pang rose high in his chest as he placed the squeegee in the bucket. If only she'd stayed a little longer.