The demise of the aqua cossie: when too much flesh equals too much information

Argh! Borat's cossie is a little too revealing

So, I arrive at this morning's swim squad, peel off my clothes and saunter over to the group, which is in three discrete sections for lanes 8, 7 and 6. I ingratiate myself into the lane 7 group next to my friend Mr Very Big (VB) and we await instructions from our coach Mr Nice Guy. 

VB has a cheeky grin when he says in that charming Irish brogue, "You'll be needing a new cossie then."

I don't understand what he means so he helps out with: "This one's full of holes."

My aqua swimming costume has done the hard yards since I bought it a couple of ocean swims' seasons ago and I knew it was time to get a new one. But because I like to wear things to the point of falling apart, I kept pushing my luck. Today my luck ran out.

I gaze in horror to where he's pointing at my left side. The stitching that holds together the vertical seam down one side of my cossie has split from knickers' height to just below my boob. I plaster my arm along my side in the hope that no one else has witnessed this ghastly sight of middle-aged woman blubber. 

VB jokes about turning it into a bikini but I'm not laughing. The Irish accent only has so much pulling power. 

Rather than turn around and go home, I decide to forge ahead regardless of the outcome. If the thing falls apart while I'm swimming I'll just have to wear it (or not). 

When I hop out of the pool - last - after one-and-a-half hours, the cossie has split a little more. Way too much flesh is on display. 

I love my aqua cossie but tonight it goes in the bin.