Everyone's writing a novel, or thinking about it

"Everyone's writing a novel." (Barney talking to Fist, The Book Group)

I was out having a coffee with my partner Spanner this morning when I bumped into an old acquaintance. She joined us and we went through the motions.

"What have you been up to?"

"Same old same old. What about you?"

"Nothing much. You know, just stuff."

Mmm. What next? I decide to tell her I'm writing a ROMANCE novel.

"Oh, really?" She smiles, one eyebrow raised quizzically (I wish I could do that). "What's it about?"

"Well, it sort of revolves around the hero and heroine and how they get together in the end." I shuffle uncomfortably in my chair.

But then I am saved when she informs me that her good friend has just finished writing an 80,000-word novel.

"My friend says publishers won't take anyone seriously until they've written 80,000 words. How long is your book?"

"It's a romance novel, so it's 50,000 words. But I haven't quite finished."

She shifts the focus of the conversation with a new revelation. "I'm writing a book."

"Wow," I say, impressed. "What's it about?"

"I can't tell you. I haven't really started it yet. I just need to find the time."

"Oh, OK. Fair enough."

I look across the table at Spanner, the taciturn handyman who only reads books about boats and prefers films with subtitles. And I wonder if he is the only person left on the planet who has no desire to write a novel.

Clever man.

Anal plotters and lazy pantsers in romance writing

I've discovered that in the rarefied world of romance writing there are two types of writers -plotters and pantsers.

Plotters are the anal retentives, those writers who plan every detail of their book before they start writing. They create elaborate character charts, assemble collages (pretty pictures of imagined characters and their homes, families, houses, cars, holiday destinations, etc), and organise their plots chapter by meticulous chapter.

The pantsers are a disorganised lot who fly by the seat of their pants. Maybe they do a little bit of planning to establish their characters and give them personality traits, but generally the plot is a vague concept that takes shape as they write.

Sometimes I wish I didn't, but I fall into the latter category. I mean, who's got the time or energy for all that fiddly stuff (though I can imagine JK Rowling working in a huge ancient library on about five massive whiteboards, surrounded by stacks of reference books based on myths and legends).

Instead, I set out on a 'journey' (yuck, cliche but so appropriate) with my characters and keep them guessing about what's going to happen next. I know they hate it, and a lot of the time they're hanging around in my head telling me to just get on with it!

"Get out of the freakin' pool!" "Get your head out of the fridge!" "Write me some proper dialogue, not that pap!" "You can't expect me to do THAT to him?"

I can only take comfort from the fact that one of my favourite characters in the Channel 4 series set in Glasgow, Scotland, The Book Group, appears to be a pantser.

Scottish Kenny, who is in a wheelchair, is writing a novel. The following dialogue comes from a conversation he has with another book group member, Fist (she's Swedish). Kenny is attempting to describe his book's plotline to Fist.

Kenny (has a gorgeous Scottish brogue): This man's living in a cabin way up in the hills. He's trying to remember a story his father told him a long time ago.

Fist (gorgeous Swedish accent): Where is his father?

Kenny: Dead, years ago. Lung cancer. But before he died, he told his son about a place in the hills that no one knows about - a secret place.

Fist: What's in the secret place?

Kenny: I haven't gone that far yet. I'm working on developing my characters.

Fist: Wow.

It's so hard to write a bleeding romance novel - and a bouquet for The Book Group

In the final scene of the brilliant 12-part TV series, The Book Group, the main character Clare sits down at her computer to try to write her novel.

She is transported into the role of the heroine on horseback in the sand dunes in an Arabian desert, where she is joined by her hero, a sheik upon his steed.

Their dialogue, mostly in Arabic with subtitles, goes:

Hero: Where are you going?

Heroine: Who knows, hombre. Que sera sera.

Hero: What do I say here?

Heroine: I'm not sure. I think it should be something kind of romantic, leaving it open for us to get together later on.

Hero: Right.

Heroine: I'll think of something later.

Hero: Revision.

Heroine: Right.

Hero: Anything else?

Heroine: Peace.

Hero: Peace. God willing.

As someone who has been poised to write a novel for the past 25 years, I feel for Clare. I understand her pain. I know the blank page and the frustration when there is no inspiration (I once heard a playwrite/novelist/artist - fill the blank - say he felt sorry for all those intelligent people who wanted to work in the arts but just didn't have 'IT'. What he meant was not everyone has a book in them. Sometimes I think that's me).

However, thanks to my new romance writing bootcamp friends, over the past few months I have moved closer to my goal. I have written 37,000 words of my first romance novel and I can see a flickering light at the end of the tunnel.

DON'T BLOW IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I've wasted half the morning - dropping daughter to work, shopping, getting petrol, unpacking shopping, stuffing face and writing this stupid time-wasting blog, I might have a moment to write... after I take the dog for a walk, oh, and do some housework.

A'Salaam Insha'lah.