Before: She felt like a Bex and a good lie down.
After: A pulse throbbed in her forehead. She winced before she tossed the pills into her mouth and unfolded her tight limbs onto the chaise longue.
I still don't know if that's hitting the mark with deep point of view, but hey, I wrote the 'After' version in 30 seconds.
Today the gorgeous Nikki Logan, author of Lights, Camera... Kiss the Boss, shared her insights into Deep POV and FAS (feel, act, speak) with me.
We workshopped one sentence from my ms in order to give the reader less tell and more show. The goal was to get into the character's head and let him tell the story.
Take a look at the two versions below. Unfortunately, the After version isn't exactly right because I lost Nikki's changes before I could copy them. Doh. But this is how I remember it:
Before: Chase Lavelle observed the slender frame of the young woman with the wild mane of auburn hair recede into the glare, her long legs a blur in the shimmering heat haze rising from the marina. He surprised himself when a pang of regret clipped at his conscience. He wished she'd stayed a moment longer. He wasn't used to being challenged, especially by a leggy Amazon wearing denim shorts so brief they could send a man's blood pressure through the roof.
After: Chase Lavelle's gut sank as the slender frame of the young woman with the wild mane of hair receded into the glare, her long legs a blur in the shimmering heat haze from the tar on the marina. He whistled to himself and shook his head. Clever and beautiful. An Amazon wearing denim shorts so brief they could send a man's blood pressure sky high. He'd never been challenged like this before. An unfamiliar pang rose high in his chest as he placed the squeegee in the bucket. If only she'd stayed a little longer.
I still don't know if that's hitting the mark with deep point of view, but hey, I wrote the 'After' version in 30 seconds.
Today the gorgeous Nikki Logan, author of Lights, Camera... Kiss the Boss, shared her insights into Deep POV and FAS (feel, act, speak) with me.
We workshopped one sentence from my ms in order to give the reader less tell and more show. The goal was to get into the character's head and let him tell the story.
Take a look at the two versions below. Unfortunately, the After version isn't exactly right because I lost Nikki's changes before I could copy them. Doh. But this is how I remember it:
Before: Chase Lavelle observed the slender frame of the young woman with the wild mane of auburn hair recede into the glare, her long legs a blur in the shimmering heat haze rising from the marina. He surprised himself when a pang of regret clipped at his conscience. He wished she'd stayed a moment longer. He wasn't used to being challenged, especially by a leggy Amazon wearing denim shorts so brief they could send a man's blood pressure through the roof.
After: Chase Lavelle's gut sank as the slender frame of the young woman with the wild mane of hair receded into the glare, her long legs a blur in the shimmering heat haze from the tar on the marina. He whistled to himself and shook his head. Clever and beautiful. An Amazon wearing denim shorts so brief they could send a man's blood pressure sky high. He'd never been challenged like this before. An unfamiliar pang rose high in his chest as he placed the squeegee in the bucket. If only she'd stayed a little longer.
I didn't quite nail the FAS. Which version do you prefer?
You can read all about Nikki Logan at http://www.nikkilogan.com.au/
4 comments:
For the record...your opening example? Yes, you nailed both deep point if view AND show don't tell. Go you!!
It's always extra scary letting someone rip your work to pieces to examine it but you leapt in with boots on. And it looks like it stuck.
Woo hoo!
Thanks Nikki for all your help. Light bulb moment!
Yay Shayne, loved the example at the start of your post - and the 'after' is awesome!!!
And Nikki, thanks for taking the time on Shayne's work - we've all benefitted from your wisdom :)
YAY! Thanks Anita.
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