The legend of Benno, the world's best tour guide who showed us his Red Centre!

Without an exceptional tour guide, the organised holiday is bascially stuffed.

So, on our guided 4WD tour of the Red Centre we were blessed when Benno announced himself to us in a pre-dawn Alice Springs, outside our hotel.

"G'day, I'm Benno," he said and shook both PP's and my hands with a firm grip.

PP smiled at me - prior to meeting Benno she had predicted that his name would be something like Stevo, Davo, Scotty, Nicko or Jono. Take your pick. Benno was the icing on the cake.

The man is platinum.

Originally from Brisbane, QLD, Benno landed in the NT just three months ago after becoming disillusioned with his mundane 9-to-5 public service existence.

I think a lot of people like Benno end up in the Red Centre. The east coast is too crowded for these bold individuals.

Benno is true-blue, an Ocker with his heart in the right place. He is passionate about The Rock and loudly defends the right of the Aboriginal people to object to it being climbed. He has a wide knowledge of local history, culture and environment. He is in awe of the landscape and enthralled by the stories of the Dreamtime (though he says the Aborigines don't like to call it Dreamtime because that lacks substance. It's the Creation time - I think).

Benno cooks spag bog, SNITTIES (schnitzels with piles of grated cheddar cheese on top) and lots of meat. He serves up 'roo steaks and camel sausages (I ate camel the day after riding one), beef burgers and lumps of steak. It's a meat lovers orgy in Benno Land.

Benno plays Jon Bon Jovi (too much for mine) and he also plays the guitar and sings original songs (that sound just like Jon Bon Jovi) by the campfire. He sleeps in a swag and wears a bushie's hat. HE'S A BLOKE.

He drives the 4WD like a maniac and drinks XXXX like a fish - but only after hours.

BENNO! BENNO! BENNO!

If you ever go to THE ROCK, ask for Benno.

Uluru is the true-blue red heart of Australia

Red. That is the predominant colour of Central Australia. The other is blue. The red dirt that gets in your nostrils and ears and shoes and socks is in stark contrast to the blinding blue sky.

But enough waxing lyrical. Precious Princess (PP) and I had a bloody brilliant time bonding in the desert, as you do.

We saw THE ROCK from every possible angle (except the top) and walked the 9.4 kilometres around it. Our tour guide BENNO (his name just had to end in an 'O') says there are two types of people who climb ULURU - those who are ignorant and those who are arseholes.

ULURU belongs to the Anangu people. It is their home and they discourage climbers. Many climbers reach the top and piss on it, literally. Because of this, a small shrimp-like creature that lives up there recently became extinct. Also, since people started climbing THE ROCK (not sure when - in the 1960s?) 42 have died. BENNO (what a legend) told us it took authorities four days to find the body of the last bloke who fell to his death in December 2008.

I was convinced of the sacredness of this ancient monolith when it first came into view on the first day of a four-day 4WD camping tour with eight others. I cried (pathetic). I didn't expect it be so spectacular and majestic. I suppose I've spent my life looking at the postcard, so I thought it would be a sort of dome-shaped red bit of rock. But it is a mercurial entity.

It is massive and in some places pock marked. It has ripples and ruts, dents and bluffs. There are waterholes and caves within its deepest recesses.

And it changes colour - pink, mauve, red and brown - dark and full-cream chocolate.

In the next instalment I'll write a bit more about our excellent adventure into the Red Centre with guide BENNO and the super group (two Germans, two Japanese, two Canadians and four Aussies -including PP and me).

Cheers and more beers!

The desert's come to town, now we're going to the desert

My eldest daughter Precious Princess (PP) and I are heading to to outback Australia for five days.

We are going to THE ROCK.

It's a first for both of us. After this trip to Alice Springs and Uluru, we can truly claim to be deadset dyed-in-the-wool, I've-been-everywhere-man Aussies.

PP will be sacrificing at least three nights of clubbing at Kings Cross and Darlinghurst with her BFFs. This will probably nearly kill her.

Fancy having to get up at dawn each day and be in bed before 3am!

She asked me if she could take the laptop so she could do uni work. Unbelievable. We're on a friggin' journey into the Red Centre and there's PP on Facebook, or catching up on late assignments as the sun sets over Uluru.

I made it clear there will be no laptop.

This trip could swing both ways - huge mother daughter bonding success or massive failure.

"OMG, a dingo ate my 18-year-old!"

PS: This blog will return on October 6. Thanks for your continued support.